Tag Archives: depression

A Fall Without A Stumble

Posted by Donna in Christianity, Donna being Donna and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

I think it may be safe to exhale.

It’s mid-November and all hades has not broken loose in my usually fragile mind.  I think I have seasonal affective disorder, or am at least affected by the diminished amount of light in the fall and winter.  It makes me a little kooky.  This is the first year in…18 years I can remember making it through the fall without any ill effects.

There are some possibilities:

  • I’ve been taking a vitamin D supplement twice a day.  This could have helped.  I’ve never tried it before.
  • My pdoc has me on a good regimen of drugs, but I’ve been on these before during the fall and they seemed to help that season too, though I do remember going a little nuts on a guy at the Verizon store.
  • My kids are more self-sufficient, despite having Sarah still being small.  The boys can do a lot for themselves and I am not *as* overwhelmed.  Though my breakdowns were worse when I was alone, and the stability of family life seemed to quell things somewhat, so I am not sure how much this really counts, though it is greatly appreciated!

My biggest theory though, is what happened earlier this year at CC.  The last week we met in the 2011 – 2012 school year, the ladies, lead by my friend Laurie who knew I was having a horrible time with mania, laid hands on me and prayed.  I’ve had people do this before at PLCC, but it was for other prayer requests for family I believe, or before I had surgery, not necessarily for my state-of-mind.  I came through surgery fine, as did my relatives for the record :)

After they prayed I had one episode of depression a few months later.  It was a bad one, and I hadn’t had depression like that in years, maybe ever.  But once it cleared, it’s been smooth sailing at least from my perspective.  I know I have hard days, but it’s from circumstantial stressors (I think some folks are too eager to chalk EVERYTHING up to my illness and that’s just not the case – everyone can have bad days, that doesn’t make it fall under “bipolar syndrome”).  In other words, I think it worked despite the one episode of depression.  Maybe it just needed to come out.  Maybe it was a foreboding – it was the last time I saw my dad before he went into the hospital the last time.  I remember he said to me, “Girl, you don’t look so good.”  How ironic.

Even through my dad’s death, which has devastated me, I have not faltered, Dave hasn’t found me helpless in a pool of vodka-induced sick in the floor, or confined to my room for days on end.  I hope reading these things does not offend my Christian friends.  I am just being honest about my past struggles and how I would have dealt with things.  I am free of them now and I praise God for that.

While I’m talking about my dad, I know a lot of folks know we had a tempestuous relationship.  It was difficult – I won’t lie.  But it reminds me so much of my relationship with Rhys, the child I probably understand and identify with the most closely.  I can read his mood when no one else can and usually know how to deal with it, because he’s literally a small me – but we also butt heads because of this!  My dad and I were so much alike it made it hard to get along.  I am loathe to admit this because that means I have a temper and a short fuse and while I don’t jump up and down when I am mad (and I’m not sure he did, but in my mind he did like Yosemite Sam) Rhys does, and it reminds me of my dad.  And me.  So there’s three of us, all acting afool when we are mad, unable to control our emotions.

I have no doubt my dad loved me, despite fights we had all through my teen years and even into my adult years because I fight with Rhys daily but I’d lay down in front of a herd of elephants in an instant if it would spare his life.  I am sure my dad would have done the same.  I really think my dad wanted to be more affectionate with me, but his family really wasn’t so he didn’t know how to be (hence, his misplaced games of “Do you know how to hang a hog?”) but being a woman, it comes more naturally to me and Rhys and I snuggle and share “nose kisses” and make up after we have a row.  It would have been weird to do this with my dad, so I just have to know that grabbing me by the ankle, or calling me “Skin” or telling me his aunts used to say he had “turd eyes” just like I do was his way of sharing those intimate make-up moments with me.

And I know he loved me because in his later years he always made a point to tell me.  I won’t deny it was awkward.  I am not good at saying “I love you” to my parents, though I want to be.  We didn’t do it growing up, I don’t know why.  I say it to my kids all the time, we just made it habit.  My parents didn’t have to say it for me to know it, and overused, it seems trite, but I wanted to make it  something natural in our house, so Dave and I tell the kids multiple times a day and we find that they’ll come up to us randomly and tell us they love us as well.

Well, the point of this entry was that A:  I have not fallen to pieces like everyone was expecting (hooray!) and I think B: I believe God greatly relieved me of my mental issues via the laying of hands by my CC friends.  And C:  I didn’t fall apart despite going through yet another emotionally wrenching death late summer.

I was thinking about how I really do feel “propped up” and comforted about my dad’s death.  I don’t feel hopeless, though I do feel sad, obviously.  I don’t generally burst into tears though I do offer wan smiles and tear-filled eyes often at good memories or things that remind me of him.  When the Bible promises that God will carry you, it is the Truth.  Yet another promise fulfilled.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3 -4

Hibernation

Posted by Donna in a little bananas and tagged with , ,

That’s basically what I’ve been doing, now that I think about it.  It started off with being tired:  going to bed at 8 pm.  Then 7:30 pm.  Then 7 pm.  I’d sleep all night, at least until Sarah got up at 4:30 for a feeding.  I was still happy and peppy, excited about planning next year’s homeschool curriculum, and thinking of things for us to do this summer.

Then I started needing naps during the middle of the day.  I’d nap whenever I could – which meant when Sarah napped, whose naps are not as long or frequent as I’d like.  My goal became 7 pm – bedtime.  That’s all I could think about, getting to bed.

In the meantime I lost interest in things I normally like:  talking to friends, hanging out with friends, talking- period, writing, even perusing Facebook, reading the news.  None of them did it for me.  I felt too tired to attempt any of it; I just wanted to sit quietly.  I was able to read books, but I never got more than a few pages at night before conking out cold.

And so it goes.  I don’t really feel any differently today, other than finally getting up the energy to document it.

 

Let this day end already.

Posted by Donna in a little bananas and tagged with , , ,

Horrific.  The akathesia is out of control.  I feel like I’d be more comfortable in a straight-jacket, no kidding.  Being confined would at least keep the jerking to a minimum.  The benadryl helps but doesn’t knock it all the way out.  Klonopin doesn’t help either.  Neither does kombucha, heh.

I can’t concentrate, I don’t care about things I used to be interested in, I’ve spent most of the day in bed.  Thankfully Dave’s mom is here to cover for me while I’m out losing my marbles. I think the akathesia misery has pushed me into a depression.  

Also, WHERE IS MY DOCTOR?!  I have called and emailed twice and NOTHING.  I think Dave is going to call.  And no one in their right mind wants Dave to call.

Jitters

Posted by Donna in a little bananas and tagged with , , ,

“Jitters” might be a little inaccurate, I am on the precipice of a full-fledged freak out.  This has been going on since Sunday.  I guess it’s Abilify mixed with no sleep.  I am almost ready to check myself into the hospital to get some rest as well as a 2nd opinion on my meds.  But can I go that long without my kids?  Can I inconvenience Dave and whoever else gets drug into this mess with the kids when I could maybe tough it out at home?  I would feel so guilty.  I need a clone.

I don’t know what to do and I am so frustrated and exhausted.  The only bright spot in my day right now is that I need a belt for the pair of jeans I’m wearing which used to be too tight.

I want to do a million things but don’t have the energy to move.  I want to run down the street but can’t get off the couch.  It’s like I’m in a pool of mania with a sheet of icy depression on top keeping me down.

 

Low

Posted by Donna in a little bananas and tagged with ,

I am not feeling like myself at all this afternoon.

This morning I felt fine, but as the day has gone on, I’ve seen my mood deflate like a balloon.  I’m just sad; I don’t know why.  I’m starving but I don’t feel like eating.  I forced myself to eat dinner but I’ve painted myself into such a corner with what I eat, that eating regular stuff like a flour tortilla quesidilla makes me feel nauseous.  It was tasty, though.

Eating has become a real problem.  Nothing sounds good, if it’s not something whole grain or sprouted, it makes me ill.  I guess that was the point, but now I feel like I have about three choices for dinner because I’m too…something…to cook.  Some days I feel wired or like I am wracked with pent-up energy.  But at the same time, I only feel like sitting around.  So nothing gets cooked.

A lot of this stems from the fact that Sarah is getting up in the middle of the night and once I’m up with her (like I was today at 3:15 am) I can’t go back to sleep.  That means it’s now almost 8 pm and I’ve been up since 3 am.  It’s no wonder I feel weird.

My eyes feel like they’re coated in oil, my vision is weird, fuzzy or something.  This is really driving me nuts, I have cleaned my glasses 45 times today, only for the strange layer of fur to remain.

I need a vacation from the kids so desperately, like Dave to take them out for the day just so I can clean the house without screaming or people underfoot.  I just want to clean my house, unfettered.  I can’t wait until Sarah is older.  I wish Rhys weren’t allergic to being outdoors and we had a fenced-in yard and I could just let them out to play.  I wish, I wish, I wish….I should be grateful for what I have, not wishing for inconsequential things.

I have overdue library books.  I am a horrible person.

 

A Week After the Storm

Posted by Donna in a little bananas and tagged with , , ,

Well, a week after I was on the verge of checking myself into the looney bin, I am feeling 400 times better.  I really did not want to go to the bin, I feared they wouldn’t let me have my Kindle since it has a cord, and I had to finish the second Hunger Games book.  

The only bad side-effect of the Abilify I’ve noticed so far is some major nausea.  I woke up Saturday morning with Rhys-induced morning sickness flashbacks.  It got bad enough Sunday that I took a phenergan.  I’ve tried taking it right after I eat so it’s not just floating around in an empty stomach, but that didn’t seem to help.  Maybe it will pass or maybe I’ll just have to take it at night along with a phenergan.  I have no idea if that’s do-able as a long term solution.  All I know I can’t take dry heaving into the toilet with no reward in sight.

The upside is I’ve lost 2lbs in the last week.  I think it was just coincidence based on changing my diet and not the meds.

So overall I think the Zoloft and Abilify are working well.  But as I’ve said before, finding something that works is like hitting a moving target.  And once I find something that works, it seems like it only works awhile, and then I have to find some other combination of things.  I’m running out of options so I really, really hope this does the trick!